I broke up with my girlfriend two days ago. We got in a heated argument. I felt unimportant and not given enough attention. I just felt like I wasn’t the priority. And even though I know in a way it was definitely the “right thing” to do considering the circumstances, it’s really hard to let go. 

When I think about it, I’m not enduring much physical pain. I remember one of the first times I thought I was in love and I went through this feeling of emptiness in my heart. It really felt like someone had ripped my heart out and left a piece of black, cold, coal in its place. Has anyone else felt that? Well…now I wonder…this time the love was much more mutual. And yet, now that we are broken up it feels surreal. I keep questioning if it means that breaking up gets easier, or if the past love I let go of was the “real thing” (even though I know it was real but not as mutually meaningful), OR if my heart isn’t aching because “it’s really not over yet because love finds a way”??? There are just too many options.

 

Recently I went to my mom’s friend’s house. They’re relationship psychologists and own a counseling retreat on weekends. I read their brochure and I thought it was really interesting. It made me question…what love really is. And how do we know when we should let go, hold on, or just make it work? I’m only 20 but when I was younger I had love much more sorted out than I do now. What does this all mean? I look at my journal entry from last night and all it says : I DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

People say that if you have something then when it’s gone you feel it and you know it. I don’t feel anything. I’m stuck in limbo, feeling lost but not lost. I know I love her but I don’t know what to do. I don’t have that motivation kicking me, telling me to go for it. Instead I’m sitting here, thinking of her all the time…and hoping she’d be the one to go after me. I think that’s what’s confusing about lesbian relationships. At least in heterosexual relationships, because of media, we think “the guy has to do the running after us”….but what happens when you’re with a girl and you are a girl? Do I really have to put on my “man pants” and go get her? I know. I really am a hypocrite because I hate this idea that guys are supposed to do everything to make it up to the girl, but that’s how I feel right now. I want my girlfriend–who likes to actually wear the pants (no really, pants), to come after me and to realize everything she’s done.

 

Okay, so you’re probably wondering what happened now. And well, if you’ve read my COLD TURKEY journal then it’s something similar. She smokes and likes to party. And although I like to party, I really can’t stand smoking. But anyway– we were getting close to school break, which means we wouldn’t see each other for a little over a month. She kept saying how we needed to spend time together, but she would go out with her friends to smoke and take a long time, or end up making plans where she would have to leave. When she’d get back, I wouldn’t be in the lovey mode, I’d be more in the “oh you’re back. How…interesting” attitude. On top of that I can’t be affectionate when I smell cigarette smoke. I really hate it. It reminds me of bad memories with my father. Anyway, I told her that I didn’t want to be too close to her when she smells like that because the smell makes me nauseous and cranky. She said “Okay…I won’t do it any more…” and then she added, “I won’t be close to you after I smoke”…. Now, of course I thought she was going to do the “right thing” and say she wouldn’t smoke as often or try to quit you know?–because she’s been promising to try to quit for the past year. When I heard her say she’d stay away from me after smoking, I think my face literally dropped with disbelief. 

In my mind it all registered like this: She’d rather smoke her cigs and you know everything else she does, rather than be with me sober…She used to be happy with me sober. I haven’t nagged her about quitting anything for so long (months), and yet she just keeps doing more and more instead of actually stopping. So, I tried all approaches– the “stop nagging her” approach because maybe she’d appreciate that and not want to smoke, and then I tried the saying “it’s okay, you can smoke” so that she’d be so happy she’d think of stopping on her own. I even tried the “You have to stop because it bothers me” and the “If you don’t quit we can’t be together”….yeah none of those worked. So it came down to the fact she never can quit even if she wants. 

In my mind I feel unimportant and taken for granted because I’ve dealt with her drug/smoking/drinking habits for almost two years now and nothing pays off. I get no credit for trying to suck up my pride and let her have fun doing it even though it hurts me and makes me feel disrespected. I know that what she does has nothing to do with me, and that she does it just because that’s how she identifies herself, and that’s also what her and her group of friends do…if they didn’t they probably wouldn’t hang out because really all they ever do is talk about drugs, complain about the school and people, or smoke and drink. So really? I don’t know what they’d do to maintain their friendship. Then from this idea, it has me worried that if she ever did quit, she’d just resent me. So…yeah. 

Okay so back to the story of my long ex-girlfriend rant. So…

I told her that my friend invited us to another one of her house parties. My girlfriend (ex) was really into going, but mainly to get fucked up–she has her status to maintain. Last time we went, I had a great time. But we really didn’t act like we were dating. I was the only one trying to be close to her and show her affection here and there. But besides that she didn’t want to kiss me or really hold me. She just made some slight attempts at having me sit near her, but nothing about us screamed “we are in a relationship.” So…I hate to say it, but because I was slightly sad from that, I kind of flirted with this other girl at the party. She was really stupid, and she admitted she knew nothing. And when she got drunk, she was even more stupid. But she was hot and I guess that was enough. So I talked to her a lot, besides from playing drinking games with people. I had a good time because it just felt like my girlfriend and I were only best friends. However, if I’m going to date someone, I would like to have security knowing we are together you know? Is it so wrong to ask her to kiss me in front of some guys so they know we’re together?

Well, I told her I didn’t want to go to the next party my friend was throwing, because I was leaving for winter break and wouldn’t have time to see my girlfriend. I reminded my girlfriend that she was the one who was complaining we didn’t have much time, so I wanted to spend that night with her instead of a group of people where everyone would be fucked up. You know, I wanted it to be romantic. And it’s hard for me wanting to kiss a mouth full of smoke. 

In the end she called up a girl who I thought was my friend, and they spoke behind my back and went to the party. Before they went to the party, they picked up drugs in town. Yepp, and guess what. No one told me about this.

As you can see, I was really upset. So I moved all of my things out of our room and moved to my own room. After the party she didn’t knock on my door or try to talk to me at all. People told me she looks a little sad when they see her, but that’s all I know. 

I guess I also forgot to mention that before she said she was leaving, I felt really hurt and told her we need to not talk any more because I couldn’t handle it any more. I really went on about how it didn’t feel like we were together and how she’d never change and quit, and that it hurt me too much so I wanted out of our relationship…

 

I think from what I said to her that was probably the reason she went to the party and didn’t tell me, regardless that she was going to the party with or without me. But yeah.

We have issues. I know she isn’t happy with me much any more. It goes both ways. Maybe I’m too stuck in limbo right now to see the truth or to have good perspective on everything that happened because it happened fast. I haven’t talked to her since. I keep thinking of texting her and whenever my phone goes off my heart jumps thinking maybe it’s her saying she loves me and misses me. But…I know it’s not her. Hasn’t been her. 

I wish I could stay in a cave and play the victim just a little longer. I hate thinking how it’s also partially my fault we didn’t work out.

The spark in our kisses has long been gone. But I only can recall them with sparks.

I don’t want sex or anything. I just miss her…her presence. I miss her loyalty. I miss her actually being happy with me and only me. Whenever I run back to her, I keep realizing I’m being slapped in the face. I need to stop putting myself in a position where I’m vulnerable. In the end I just couldn’t keep her happy enough. I wasn’t good enough for her. 

I thought when people were really in love, not only did they love each other for their differences, but they were willing to change for one another. Now, I’m not saying everyone should change. But when you love one another and have been compromising, well…after I have been compromising with her drugs/smoking/drinking for such a long time, why is it wrong to expect that she’ll put that stuff aside for me ?

Okay…enough babbling. Thanks wordpress. I feel slightly better.

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