Archives for the month of: August, 2012

This is an update here…if you want the “Cotton Candy in my Sunshine” specifically, scroll.:

I cannot believe how soon I will be graduating. Sure, I have months ahead of me, but it will go by so quickly. I know it.
I returned home for the weekend, wanting to escape my college one last time before the year picks up. I had to go back to campus early this past Wednesday for Senior Workshop. I did nothing but day dream the entire lecture.
I’m still with the one I love. She hasn’t done any drugs besides the drinking late at night and cigarettes here and there.
I remember I cried when I walked into Senior Workshop. I’m never used to being around my own age group. I’m either with people older or younger, but never actually my age. I felt lost even though I’ve known these people the whole time of my education. I asked myself, “Why am I even here.”

I’m over that now, I’m acclimating to socialization. After leaving Firenze I didn’t socialize too much. I was just happy to be in my own bed and sleep in till the evening. Now I have to remember what people are like…

Last week I took my friend, Trin, to New Jersey with me. I grew up with one parent a different religion, Christian. But my father isn’t actually a strict Christian…he doesn’t even believe in God but he used to force me to go to church any way. The church was an all Asian church. Every summer they get together and do either a camping trip or a canoe trip (sometimes both). It’s actually really great.
I invited Trin to go with me because I hadn’t seen my Asian friends in a long time and in case things had changed, I’d rather be around a friendly face. However when we got there she was rude about everyone being Asian…she asked rather ignorant questions: “Do they even know English?” “Can Asians really be Christian?”
I rolled my eyes. Yeah, never saw her as an ignorant person before with race, but I guess she was in this case. Culture shock reversed, definitely that’s what it was. Now she knows how it’s like for any other race to be surrounded by the majority of White people like herself.
Now, first Just please don’t get me wrong. I’m not angry at any race and I hate talking about racial issues. But this was just a very interesting experience for me because Trin has grown up around some other ethnicities, not just White and she seemed fine. But then seeing her in a group of only colored people…she acted very different. I thought it was an interesting observation how she then realized what her skin color was, but before it didn’t even matter to her.

COTTON CANDY IN MY SUNSHINE::
I’m going to the fair today. In these few hours I am going to get high on sugar, on bbq, on ferris wheels and rides that turn you upside down. I’m going to laugh because it’s genuine, and feel free, liberated, and completely blissful. Today is the day where I get my childhood innocence back and run around like the world is my oyster!
I remember each year growing up, thinking of how what it’d be like to be 6 when I was 5, or 13 when I was 10. I’m done thinking about how the future will turn out, done thinking about ages.
I will never get this year back. I’m ready to be my age.

Summer nights are sizzling down.
I find you cuddle next to me,
arms wrapping their way around my waist- lips
kissing the curve of my neck to my shoulder.
We shudder to think of after college, grad-school, more bills,
debt.
I don’t owe you anything.
You deserve nothing, you are
entitled.
Entitled to my love,
even when our tongues are raw, throats scratchy,
palms sweaty, hair frizzed and phased,
My eyes see you, you feel
so warm, so good, so real
sometimes it hurts.
But I’m nineteen and in this moment
forever I will stay
nineteen.
Birthday’s coming, soon in October.
Maybe I’ll be born in November.
I miss those candles burning bright, birthday sighs, clapping of hands
the clock could never catch me then.
But I’m not five, I don’t see love the way I used to.
I ate dirt and let the dust float within my lungs.
Until I found you, I had forgotten what love
meant, to live, be alive.
And so,
we cuddle close, skin to skin,
memories lost in the banks behind our minds.
I will never forget the way you touched me,
caressing my wounds with your wounds
open and open, vast spaces
of emotion.

We wake up, strands of syrup seeping through white
plastic blinds tilted to our eyelids.
Good morning beautiful, you’re still here.
Cotton candy in my mind fogged everything
that I once felt fear to.
Bliss, I taste it in your kiss.

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She said she couldn’t just go “cold turkey.” What is this supposed to mean.
I know, I already know what it means. But look at our history. She’ll never quit.
Drugs are “always” around. I know this. You know this too. That doesn’t mean you have to do them.
Sure, it’s hard to stop when most of your friends do them, but I’m your girlfriend. Or at least I thought I was. I’ve let you continue your own habits since day one. I don’t think I can make it to this year and a half with you still doing them.
That was our compromise wasn’t it? And doesn’t it kill you to see the word “promise” in that word “compromise”? I think this is why this promise to me that you’d stop never seems to work out.

I’m ready to let go. I’m not proud of this any more. I am really in love with you, but I can’t love you the same when I see how you get. You’re a different person. Not to mention, last year you weren’t too kind to me at school because of your addiction. Let’s leave it at that. In the beginning of summer you promised you wouldn’t do drugs when we were at our friend’s house. I already knew the real reason you wanted us to visit her. It wasn’t because we were “all” friends. I know better. You just wanted something. Yeah, going to her house wasn’t too appealing any more after I told you I wasn’t going unless you promised not to do it. I mean, was it really that hard? –it was for two days, barely two days to not do anything.
Of course, you couldn’t even do that.
And I cried to myself in the car. Because I see how much you need that stuff, and I see how you abuse it. And now, it’s starting to take its toll on abusing me. Please, let me go.
We tried to work together to get you to stop. You promised and swore on your dead Gramma who you loved so much that you were done. You know the past history with your family and drugs. So please….why is it so hard?

You forgot about your promise you made a long time ago, this already created compromise…saying you would quit if it got too much for me to handle. Now you’re forgetting your recent promise and your recent swear. You want a new compromise that makes me be subjected to the same thing all over again. You say you won’t be into it as much, you say you won’t do it as often. You say, you say, you say.
I want proof, and no more chances. You have to show me right now how you aren’t attached to that stuff. Show me you can think for yourself. Please. I’m begging you.

How could you let me sit there and nod, “yes….we can try to compromise (again).” I know the truth, you will only keep making me feel guilty. So keep that guilt trip you wanted to give me, and keep your beloved drugs, and all of those friends who make me feel left out and bullied, lonely. I don’t need you this school year. It’s just me and my grades. I care about my own mental health more now than ever. You can’t do this to me again. I’m not watching you throw yourself away and die faster than everyone else.

I love you, but I can’t be in love with you any more. Baby, I’m going numb. You think I’m being selfish, trying to break up with you out of my own reasons. I’m hurting more than you know, having to see the one I love so much not be strong enough to say “No.”