I broke up with my girlfriend two days ago. We got in a heated argument. I felt unimportant and not given enough attention. I just felt like I wasn’t the priority. And even though I know in a way it was definitely the “right thing” to do considering the circumstances, it’s really hard to let go. 

When I think about it, I’m not enduring much physical pain. I remember one of the first times I thought I was in love and I went through this feeling of emptiness in my heart. It really felt like someone had ripped my heart out and left a piece of black, cold, coal in its place. Has anyone else felt that? Well…now I wonder…this time the love was much more mutual. And yet, now that we are broken up it feels surreal. I keep questioning if it means that breaking up gets easier, or if the past love I let go of was the “real thing” (even though I know it was real but not as mutually meaningful), OR if my heart isn’t aching because “it’s really not over yet because love finds a way”??? There are just too many options.


Recently I went to my mom’s friend’s house. They’re relationship psychologists and own a counseling retreat on weekends. I read their brochure and I thought it was really interesting. It made me question…what love really is. And how do we know when we should let go, hold on, or just make it work? I’m only 20 but when I was younger I had love much more sorted out than I do now. What does this all mean? I look at my journal entry from last night and all it says : I DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

People say that if you have something then when it’s gone you feel it and you know it. I don’t feel anything. I’m stuck in limbo, feeling lost but not lost. I know I love her but I don’t know what to do. I don’t have that motivation kicking me, telling me to go for it. Instead I’m sitting here, thinking of her all the time…and hoping she’d be the one to go after me. I think that’s what’s confusing about lesbian relationships. At least in heterosexual relationships, because of media, we think “the guy has to do the running after us”….but what happens when you’re with a girl and you are a girl? Do I really have to put on my “man pants” and go get her? I know. I really am a hypocrite because I hate this idea that guys are supposed to do everything to make it up to the girl, but that’s how I feel right now. I want my girlfriend–who likes to actually wear the pants (no really, pants), to come after me and to realize everything she’s done.


Okay, so you’re probably wondering what happened now. And well, if you’ve read my COLD TURKEY journal then it’s something similar. She smokes and likes to party. And although I like to party, I really can’t stand smoking. But anyway– we were getting close to school break, which means we wouldn’t see each other for a little over a month. She kept saying how we needed to spend time together, but she would go out with her friends to smoke and take a long time, or end up making plans where she would have to leave. When she’d get back, I wouldn’t be in the lovey mode, I’d be more in the “oh you’re back. How…interesting” attitude. On top of that I can’t be affectionate when I smell cigarette smoke. I really hate it. It reminds me of bad memories with my father. Anyway, I told her that I didn’t want to be too close to her when she smells like that because the smell makes me nauseous and cranky. She said “Okay…I won’t do it any more…” and then she added, “I won’t be close to you after I smoke”…. Now, of course I thought she was going to do the “right thing” and say she wouldn’t smoke as often or try to quit you know?–because she’s been promising to try to quit for the past year. When I heard her say she’d stay away from me after smoking, I think my face literally dropped with disbelief. 

In my mind it all registered like this: She’d rather smoke her cigs and you know everything else she does, rather than be with me sober…She used to be happy with me sober. I haven’t nagged her about quitting anything for so long (months), and yet she just keeps doing more and more instead of actually stopping. So, I tried all approaches– the “stop nagging her” approach because maybe she’d appreciate that and not want to smoke, and then I tried the saying “it’s okay, you can smoke” so that she’d be so happy she’d think of stopping on her own. I even tried the “You have to stop because it bothers me” and the “If you don’t quit we can’t be together”….yeah none of those worked. So it came down to the fact she never can quit even if she wants. 

In my mind I feel unimportant and taken for granted because I’ve dealt with her drug/smoking/drinking habits for almost two years now and nothing pays off. I get no credit for trying to suck up my pride and let her have fun doing it even though it hurts me and makes me feel disrespected. I know that what she does has nothing to do with me, and that she does it just because that’s how she identifies herself, and that’s also what her and her group of friends do…if they didn’t they probably wouldn’t hang out because really all they ever do is talk about drugs, complain about the school and people, or smoke and drink. So really? I don’t know what they’d do to maintain their friendship. Then from this idea, it has me worried that if she ever did quit, she’d just resent me. So…yeah. 

Okay so back to the story of my long ex-girlfriend rant. So…

I told her that my friend invited us to another one of her house parties. My girlfriend (ex) was really into going, but mainly to get fucked up–she has her status to maintain. Last time we went, I had a great time. But we really didn’t act like we were dating. I was the only one trying to be close to her and show her affection here and there. But besides that she didn’t want to kiss me or really hold me. She just made some slight attempts at having me sit near her, but nothing about us screamed “we are in a relationship.” So…I hate to say it, but because I was slightly sad from that, I kind of flirted with this other girl at the party. She was really stupid, and she admitted she knew nothing. And when she got drunk, she was even more stupid. But she was hot and I guess that was enough. So I talked to her a lot, besides from playing drinking games with people. I had a good time because it just felt like my girlfriend and I were only best friends. However, if I’m going to date someone, I would like to have security knowing we are together you know? Is it so wrong to ask her to kiss me in front of some guys so they know we’re together?

Well, I told her I didn’t want to go to the next party my friend was throwing, because I was leaving for winter break and wouldn’t have time to see my girlfriend. I reminded my girlfriend that she was the one who was complaining we didn’t have much time, so I wanted to spend that night with her instead of a group of people where everyone would be fucked up. You know, I wanted it to be romantic. And it’s hard for me wanting to kiss a mouth full of smoke. 

In the end she called up a girl who I thought was my friend, and they spoke behind my back and went to the party. Before they went to the party, they picked up drugs in town. Yepp, and guess what. No one told me about this.

As you can see, I was really upset. So I moved all of my things out of our room and moved to my own room. After the party she didn’t knock on my door or try to talk to me at all. People told me she looks a little sad when they see her, but that’s all I know. 

I guess I also forgot to mention that before she said she was leaving, I felt really hurt and told her we need to not talk any more because I couldn’t handle it any more. I really went on about how it didn’t feel like we were together and how she’d never change and quit, and that it hurt me too much so I wanted out of our relationship…


I think from what I said to her that was probably the reason she went to the party and didn’t tell me, regardless that she was going to the party with or without me. But yeah.

We have issues. I know she isn’t happy with me much any more. It goes both ways. Maybe I’m too stuck in limbo right now to see the truth or to have good perspective on everything that happened because it happened fast. I haven’t talked to her since. I keep thinking of texting her and whenever my phone goes off my heart jumps thinking maybe it’s her saying she loves me and misses me. But…I know it’s not her. Hasn’t been her. 

I wish I could stay in a cave and play the victim just a little longer. I hate thinking how it’s also partially my fault we didn’t work out.

The spark in our kisses has long been gone. But I only can recall them with sparks.

I don’t want sex or anything. I just miss her…her presence. I miss her loyalty. I miss her actually being happy with me and only me. Whenever I run back to her, I keep realizing I’m being slapped in the face. I need to stop putting myself in a position where I’m vulnerable. In the end I just couldn’t keep her happy enough. I wasn’t good enough for her. 

I thought when people were really in love, not only did they love each other for their differences, but they were willing to change for one another. Now, I’m not saying everyone should change. But when you love one another and have been compromising, well…after I have been compromising with her drugs/smoking/drinking for such a long time, why is it wrong to expect that she’ll put that stuff aside for me ?

Okay…enough babbling. Thanks wordpress. I feel slightly better.


There are times when flowers don’t make up for faults. 
And when this time comes, that flowers don’t equal a real apology, you know something is wrong.
Instead of feeling your heart bounce and skip over the surprise, you fall to the ground like dirty laundry. Materialistic items aren’t what you want. All you want is her. But she’s somewhere else, with a group of her friends, and you’re all alone.
Loneliness isn’t your enemy. Knowing that you have someone to come home to, is your enemy when you realize no one is there.
It makes loneliness more lonely and unbearable. 

Sunflowers were my favorite flowers. Now as I look over at them, as they sit in a plastic vase that once held paint brushes, with their stems criss-crossed, all I see is nothing. I see the absence of happiness.
So this is what I’ve learned. Don’t tell your partner your favorite flower, because one day they’ll ruin that connection you have had with the flowers. The flowers will no longer represent your happiness and your youth from childhood, but instead turn over and be empty and full of sadness.
Don’t tell your partner how you really feel. They will listen but they don’t acknowledge. They’ll say that they will do something different but they won’t. They will continue doing the same thing since day one.
Don’t get back together with that person. Even if they promise that “this time it will be different” and even if they say that you are the most important thing, just know, you aren’t important to them unless you are out of their life. They won’t learn one thing if you keep crawling back. So stay away. 
That is what I’ve learned.

I took the flowers and mentally threw them into the ocean. The petals are tears from the sun, dipping into the blue waters of salt.

There’s this girl who isn’t a girl, but rather a vessel of pure evil. I have never met someone so brutally in love with herself that she will destroy anyone who tries to put their own two cents in. She comes off sweet and innocent at first, then you start to realize how manipulating she is and how deceiving!
She doesn’t actually care about people. She uses them like a master at chess.

Her habits are the same. After a year of everyone deserting her, except for those who don’t see beyond her veil, you would think she would get the message that “something’s gotta give.”
Alas, she is still the same “flower,” who reminds me of someone I once fell in love with. 
(They should both be dead).

Her voice is not sweet but raspy from all of the cigarettes she smokes and coughs up. Her eyes are glassy and tainted red, after smoking a recent blunt. She has those lips that fall like rose petals, and long lashes like webs of a spider waiting to catch its new prey. 
She is beautiful, but beauty on her does not last long. Every curve of her body and light skin, makes you itch and burn at the sight of her, in an utterly negative way. 
You never thought such a pretty girl could be so condemned. 

She pried her way into my room. Standing in front of my bed to talk to my friend who was visiting. I felt this dark evil magnetic field overtake me. I met my doom. Anger swell inside my heart and festered. I see black liquid drip, thick, across my consciousness. My personality splits and I forget about Right and Wrong. 
All I picture is holding a knife and stabbing her throat at every word she speaks. 

You may wonder how I, myself, could become so menacing. It must have been her air of dust she brought with her. It makes it hard to breathe, to think clearly, to function.

This little girl scares me with all that I am. I am a quiet person who laughs when things have humor. I rarely get upset or irritated. But she, she brings out the worst in me. It is frightening!
How can this small girl with locks of blond and golden curls, make my blood boil and turn me into a serial killer? Oh no, of course I am not a serial killer. I just wonder, whyyyy are my thoughts this polluted?! 

Usually in a close space with her I am fine. I hold my tongue. I don’t think twice. 
Then she steps into my territory personally, my own room of sanctuary, and that is where I lose all sign of sanity. My special holy place is now thrown up in the air, with this cunt that stands before me as if she deserves to breathe the air I breathe.

I hate that feeling of losing control. And my girlfriend shrugs. She doesn’t like me angry. Only she can be angry…only she can have problems. I have to hold mine back. And look where that gets me. 
Turning into a crazed woman, possessed by inner demons. 

Just know, if I were a serial killer she would be dead by now. 

This is an update here…if you want the “Cotton Candy in my Sunshine” specifically, scroll.:

I cannot believe how soon I will be graduating. Sure, I have months ahead of me, but it will go by so quickly. I know it.
I returned home for the weekend, wanting to escape my college one last time before the year picks up. I had to go back to campus early this past Wednesday for Senior Workshop. I did nothing but day dream the entire lecture.
I’m still with the one I love. She hasn’t done any drugs besides the drinking late at night and cigarettes here and there.
I remember I cried when I walked into Senior Workshop. I’m never used to being around my own age group. I’m either with people older or younger, but never actually my age. I felt lost even though I’ve known these people the whole time of my education. I asked myself, “Why am I even here.”

I’m over that now, I’m acclimating to socialization. After leaving Firenze I didn’t socialize too much. I was just happy to be in my own bed and sleep in till the evening. Now I have to remember what people are like…

Last week I took my friend, Trin, to New Jersey with me. I grew up with one parent a different religion, Christian. But my father isn’t actually a strict Christian…he doesn’t even believe in God but he used to force me to go to church any way. The church was an all Asian church. Every summer they get together and do either a camping trip or a canoe trip (sometimes both). It’s actually really great.
I invited Trin to go with me because I hadn’t seen my Asian friends in a long time and in case things had changed, I’d rather be around a friendly face. However when we got there she was rude about everyone being Asian…she asked rather ignorant questions: “Do they even know English?” “Can Asians really be Christian?”
I rolled my eyes. Yeah, never saw her as an ignorant person before with race, but I guess she was in this case. Culture shock reversed, definitely that’s what it was. Now she knows how it’s like for any other race to be surrounded by the majority of White people like herself.
Now, first Just please don’t get me wrong. I’m not angry at any race and I hate talking about racial issues. But this was just a very interesting experience for me because Trin has grown up around some other ethnicities, not just White and she seemed fine. But then seeing her in a group of only colored people…she acted very different. I thought it was an interesting observation how she then realized what her skin color was, but before it didn’t even matter to her.

I’m going to the fair today. In these few hours I am going to get high on sugar, on bbq, on ferris wheels and rides that turn you upside down. I’m going to laugh because it’s genuine, and feel free, liberated, and completely blissful. Today is the day where I get my childhood innocence back and run around like the world is my oyster!
I remember each year growing up, thinking of how what it’d be like to be 6 when I was 5, or 13 when I was 10. I’m done thinking about how the future will turn out, done thinking about ages.
I will never get this year back. I’m ready to be my age.

Summer nights are sizzling down.
I find you cuddle next to me,
arms wrapping their way around my waist- lips
kissing the curve of my neck to my shoulder.
We shudder to think of after college, grad-school, more bills,
I don’t owe you anything.
You deserve nothing, you are
Entitled to my love,
even when our tongues are raw, throats scratchy,
palms sweaty, hair frizzed and phased,
My eyes see you, you feel
so warm, so good, so real
sometimes it hurts.
But I’m nineteen and in this moment
forever I will stay
Birthday’s coming, soon in October.
Maybe I’ll be born in November.
I miss those candles burning bright, birthday sighs, clapping of hands
the clock could never catch me then.
But I’m not five, I don’t see love the way I used to.
I ate dirt and let the dust float within my lungs.
Until I found you, I had forgotten what love
meant, to live, be alive.
And so,
we cuddle close, skin to skin,
memories lost in the banks behind our minds.
I will never forget the way you touched me,
caressing my wounds with your wounds
open and open, vast spaces
of emotion.

We wake up, strands of syrup seeping through white
plastic blinds tilted to our eyelids.
Good morning beautiful, you’re still here.
Cotton candy in my mind fogged everything
that I once felt fear to.
Bliss, I taste it in your kiss.

She said she couldn’t just go “cold turkey.” What is this supposed to mean.
I know, I already know what it means. But look at our history. She’ll never quit.
Drugs are “always” around. I know this. You know this too. That doesn’t mean you have to do them.
Sure, it’s hard to stop when most of your friends do them, but I’m your girlfriend. Or at least I thought I was. I’ve let you continue your own habits since day one. I don’t think I can make it to this year and a half with you still doing them.
That was our compromise wasn’t it? And doesn’t it kill you to see the word “promise” in that word “compromise”? I think this is why this promise to me that you’d stop never seems to work out.

I’m ready to let go. I’m not proud of this any more. I am really in love with you, but I can’t love you the same when I see how you get. You’re a different person. Not to mention, last year you weren’t too kind to me at school because of your addiction. Let’s leave it at that. In the beginning of summer you promised you wouldn’t do drugs when we were at our friend’s house. I already knew the real reason you wanted us to visit her. It wasn’t because we were “all” friends. I know better. You just wanted something. Yeah, going to her house wasn’t too appealing any more after I told you I wasn’t going unless you promised not to do it. I mean, was it really that hard? –it was for two days, barely two days to not do anything.
Of course, you couldn’t even do that.
And I cried to myself in the car. Because I see how much you need that stuff, and I see how you abuse it. And now, it’s starting to take its toll on abusing me. Please, let me go.
We tried to work together to get you to stop. You promised and swore on your dead Gramma who you loved so much that you were done. You know the past history with your family and drugs. So please….why is it so hard?

You forgot about your promise you made a long time ago, this already created compromise…saying you would quit if it got too much for me to handle. Now you’re forgetting your recent promise and your recent swear. You want a new compromise that makes me be subjected to the same thing all over again. You say you won’t be into it as much, you say you won’t do it as often. You say, you say, you say.
I want proof, and no more chances. You have to show me right now how you aren’t attached to that stuff. Show me you can think for yourself. Please. I’m begging you.

How could you let me sit there and nod, “yes….we can try to compromise (again).” I know the truth, you will only keep making me feel guilty. So keep that guilt trip you wanted to give me, and keep your beloved drugs, and all of those friends who make me feel left out and bullied, lonely. I don’t need you this school year. It’s just me and my grades. I care about my own mental health more now than ever. You can’t do this to me again. I’m not watching you throw yourself away and die faster than everyone else.

I love you, but I can’t be in love with you any more. Baby, I’m going numb. You think I’m being selfish, trying to break up with you out of my own reasons. I’m hurting more than you know, having to see the one I love so much not be strong enough to say “No.”

Facebook, dear facebook, you need to let people get a life. These constant depressing statuses are killing me and my newsfeed. Internet, I am in a conflicting relationship with you. You keep prolonging pain, stressing out the hardships, disasters, and shame.
This is not cool and this is not good.

I was stuck in a day dream and I need something to refresh my mind! I want to run in circles until my muscles feel like liquid. I want a relationship where my partner understands that I NEED A BREAK, just a pause– I JUST WANT MY OWN SPACE.
It has nothing to do with you, it’s just me.
Don’t worry. I won’t facebook it to the world that we’re “on a break”– but you have to GIVE ME A BREAK and no! A kitkat will not do. It just won’t suffice.

I splurged my last cents. There’s something about lingerie to me, like Tiffany’s to Audrey Hepburn.

I have made up my mind about my passion in life. It’s not materialistic, or an education that can buy me the life I dreamed of. 
All I want in life is to give back to it.
I am determined to go abroad to Thailand or Spain, Egypt or Israel, and teach children English and do volunteer work at hospitals or orphanages. Anywhere that needs help. I realize a MA degree or PHD won’t give me my dream, it just won’t. I need to be out there in the world making a change right now, instead of being in a classroom trying to set a goal of having a secure job.
Life is not about security, it’s about taking chances that put you on edge and sometimes make you dizzy. But in the end your heart is exhilarated. Your brain is functioning and is alive. And your heart also stays warm from touching peoples’ lives and being touched by theirs. 

Last night  found out that I may not be able to go back to school for my Senior year. My mother says she will do everything it takes to send me there this year, and some how I know we will make it happen even if we have to sell our house and live in a box. I wouldn’t care as much as I thought about leaving school behind, if only I didn’t need a BA to teach in a foreign country. So after this year if I get to finish school, I’ll be done with the idea of gradschool until I figure out the next chapters in my life.

It sounds cliche and corny, but you know when you feel like you were meant to do something purposeful and great with your life? That’s how I feel. If you’ve ever read the book The Alchemist, you’d understand this passion I think…maybe even without reading it you understand.
The book The Alchemist is simply written, and a good pace book. You can read it in a few hours. It’s not that it’s an easy read, it’s just that it’s simple in its story telling and good for you heart and finding out a meaning to life.

It’s funny that I had originally once as a little kid always wanted to be a mother, but then as I was in my teens I really did not want to be one…I didn’t want to get pregnant any more, I didn’t want to adopt any more…I just felt like I needed to figure myself out more. How could one day I be responsible for another life? I suppose I already am since I’ve been in a relationship and we are like love birds.
Well, matter of fact, I have changed yet again, just a few days ago I said I thought about it thoroughly and do not want children when I grow up, but here I am today realizing if I go across countries and work with young kids, I may just adopt one or some that I can’t live without. It’s so strange how life changes in the most oddest of moments, but these moments are spontaneous and they are beautiful!

Alright well here I am…..writing so much with excitement.
I guess I should finally open up to you more.

 I haven’t had the roughest life, but neither the easiest. I suppose you could say I’ve been privileged, considering there are poor and starving people in the world and children who can’t afford new clothes or a house. I think you could even say I took things for granted some times, you know those teen years where things fall apart and you think your life is over.
On top of that I’m a lesbian. I don’t exclude the idea of a male in my life in that romantic way, but I can’t see it at all happening. I love my girlfriend with all of my heart, and never have felt so intensely about any one. And trust me, even when I was 12 I thought I knew what love was, but I realize I knew what “that” kind of love was, but not the real love that I needed. And my girlfriend now is the love that I needed.
I came out of the closet as bisexual in 7th grade. I think it explained a lot.
I couldn’t say I was a lesbian because I didn’t know if I could ever have sex with a girl and feel comfortable, all I knew is that I had a strong infatuation with girls that  was not “normal.” 
I’m pretty regular and ordinary besides that fact that I’m a walking oxymoron of ironicness. Yes I know that isn’t even a word.
I have a good amount of friends that are males and I have female friends as well, straight, bisexual, and gay.
I grew up in a town that was overall accepting, although my parents, who are divorced, didn’t want to listen to me when I told them how I felt about my sexuality.

It wasn’t until freshman year at college that I came out as a full lesbian, even though I was still rather confused about it. My mother and I were in the car and she said that she “always knew.” I realize she always says she always knew to everything. She then said something funny, “I love you whether you like girls, guys, or animals.” And I screamed and laughed that I was not into bestiality.

Well that is all for now. 

Starlet Rose & Story

This photo is not mine. I found it through google searching Rose.
However, if it is yours please let me know and I can give you credit or take it down if you wish.

I am posting this photo because I find something beautiful about it.
I usually do not prefer roses considering there are many flowers that I find connect with my personality more. But, today this rose fits my emotions and my life.
I am now in the United States of America, I have left Europe yesterday.
Something different about the USA, I enjoy. The smell of summer in New York is new. I left the city and am now upstate in a country side. The earth was crying and desperate for rain. It began raining this evening, and that is when I awoke from jet lag, because earlier I decided a nap would be perfect.
The rain started off gently, and a breeze dusted the miles of grass with the presence of H20. It was lovely seeing the sky turn from light blue to a dim gray. There is something about the contrast.

My life right now feels like this rose. Shadowed in some areas where light cannot hit all of my petals, my thoughts. I reach my hand out of the window and let the rain drop itself in random areas of my skin. My eyeglass prescription hasn’t been updated, and I’ve been rather too lazy to pop in those contacts. My vision usually feels blurrier without my lenses, since they are the updated version of my poor eye sight. But ignoring lenses for a few days and only wearing glasses has made my eye sight feel better, more clear.
The rain dishevels this clearness I see, and I can imagine my skin transforming and melting off. And what is left of me?

I thought I would miss Europe more but I do not. In Firenze where I lived, it was full of tourists and city scape. It was beautiful but I wanted to see green earth. Now I have yards upon yards of blue sky and stars at night, that peek out of this blue cardboard and smile at me. Sometimes they drip from the sky’s ceiling, and reach out to me, feeling how I at random moments feel lost.

My friends back in Firenze haven’t written or messaged me. It only proves how life keeps moving on even when you leave. I have no desire to meet new people here or connect with anyone else. I’m in the mood to only focus on this change of state, being in the USA and being around clouds and fresh air.

I have a particular song playing over and over. I know in my last post: Potrei Morire, I posted a song with my poem– Sleepwalker by Nostalgia 77. That song was how I felt just then and is one of my favorites when my heart and mind ache for something more. However, all I have listened to over and over is Bloodstream by Stateless.
I admire the instrumental very much, it unravels my emotions and my confusion every time I hear it. And the lyrics are beautiful and haunting, just how I feel about my romantic other.
I miss her, and I long to see her again after all of this time. We feel distant now because I haven’t told her what I’m up to. I haven’t told her I’m in the USA to visit her. She thinks I’m still in Firenze. I want to surprise her for her birthday. I felt that it would mean much more if it just came as a huge shock if I either showed up on her door when she returns home from work, or surprise her with dinner I made on the table…maybe just set up candles in her room, light them, hide and see her reaction and confusion and then pop out of the closet– but is that too weird romantic-horror movie type scene?–with me out of a closet?

I’ve been acting distant from her because I can’t stand lying to her about where I am and what I’m up to. For me it is easier to rarely speak to her until a week or two passes when I go to visit her. My plane ticket is set, and I am already thinking of all of the things to pack to make our reunion romantic.

If I could put my emotions and this aura I have right now, into a song, this would be it. (Click the link…just give it a chance).

I’m inside out, floating over myself.
I’m bending backwards breaking my spine, just to look you in the eye.
Emotion seems to flow as easily as the smoke that drips off the end of your cigarette.
I will watch you from afar, as night comes– stand close to you and gaze at stars.
You can’t feel my heart beat, but I see the pulse in your brain.
I know, you don’t understand me and never will. I pretend, I hold my breath, one day you will.